Letting Pain Run It's Course
Written By DWilliam 7/09/2010 04:50:00 PM
I had lived with lonelyness before, the life I lead, I didn’t really have a choice. But some nights were harder than others. Some nights the dinner of chopped ramen and burnt Spaghetti-o’s just wasn’t enough. Some nights the emptiness I felt threatened to eat me up whole, swallow me down into the deepest, darkest pit of myself. Some nights all I wanted was a kind voice to whisper that everything was going to be alright, that everything I was going through was going to be worth something in the end. Some nights I just wanted somebody there that gave a damn-not to talk or even listen, just someone…there.
I guess that’s one of the reasons why me and the Almighty don’t talk anymore.
Living with that type of pain though, you find ways to harness it…or hide it. I was getting pretty good at the latter. I would take all the hollowness I felt and put it into one, concise ball of will. I could then do whatever I wanted with it. It would be easy, hell, it would make me fell a whole lot better. I could do it, and I’ve done it before.
But not tonight.
Tonight I would put into practice the most time honored tradition of single-self-loathing teenagers everywhere:
Brooding.
It’s hard to explain-and even harder too understand-but every once-in-a-while I just wanted to leave the pain alone. Let it run it’s course.
My dingy apartment was quiet, clean as it could be all things considered, and the cockroach problem was being dealt with. My computer was off, my phone unplugged from the wall and off the reciver for good measure. My window and door were locked, dead bloted, and that stupid useless chain that is standard on all apartment doors was latched. I was sealed away from the outside world and as safe as I was ever going to get.
So I kept a few candles lit in my room, curled into my stupid bed, and listened to the rain smack against the windowpanes, hoping silently that all this pain would be worth it.
Posted in
Post a Comment